Teen loneliness is a growing problem, and youth speaker Jesse LeBeau says he sees it at schools across the country. In this conversation with Jeremy Van Wert, he explains why kids feel disconnected even while constantly online, why protecting them from every failure can backfire, and how finding a tribe and a personal why can start to change things.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Jesse sees the same loneliness at schools in both low- and high-income communities, and says kids feel more disconnected than ever despite being constantly online.
- Jesse urges parents not to shield teens from every failure, because learning to respond to setbacks builds resilience.
- His "Team Up" idea is to find a community or tribe you share a passion with and can connect with in person.
- He says helping someone else moves a person from needing help to being the one who helps, which shifts focus away from their own problems.
- To find your why, Jesse suggests trying several things, following through, and asking why you want to do them.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠWhy teen loneliness is rising, even when kids are always online
Jesse tours the country speaking at middle schools, high schools and youth organizations. He says he gets a front row seat to what he calls an epidemic of loneliness. After his talks, kids line up, and some open up in ways that stay with him.
He reports hearing the same thing everywhere, whether a community is low or high income. Kids are struggling with their mental health, and it comes back to feeling alone. In his view, social media makes this worse: kids compare themselves to a perfect family, a perfect six-pack and a perfect life that is not realistic, and scrolling alone in a room can feel like connection when it is not.
Jesse says people are hardwired for community and connection, and that in-person time is what many kids are missing. Parents who are worried about a teen can start with a private conversation with Jeremy about what support might fit.
ᚢFailing forward: why parents shouldn't shield kids from every failure
Jesse quotes a line he attributes to Babe Ruth: it is hard to beat someone who never gives up. He believes the most successful people are often the ones who have failed the most and kept going. He argues that parents, coming from love, sometimes try to protect kids from failure, and that this can hurt them more than it helps.
His suggestion is to let a teen feel the sting of missing the team or a shot, then ask what they are going to do about it. That might mean getting up early to practice. Over time, he says, kids learn that failing publicly is not the end of the world, and that life goes on.
He says this is a muscle that does not come naturally to anyone. Adults also do things they would rather not do every day, such as getting up early for the gym, and that is part of a bigger purpose. Jesse describes his own path as fail, fail, fail, then a yes, and calls it stumbling forward.
ᚦAttitude is everything: Jesse's story from a small Alaskan island
Jesse grew up on a small island in Alaska with no roads, in a town where it rains most days and daylight is scarce in winter. He was the smallest kid and dreamed of playing basketball. Kids told him he was too small, and he says the question was whether he would settle or show them.
He credits his father with a different way of watching sports. They did not watch for wins and losses but for how athletes responded when things went well and when they did not. Did they blame the referee, or hustle off and high-five a teammate? Jesse says that is where you see character.
After a run-in with a bully, he decided he could get bitter or get better. He practiced every morning in a gym a janitor named Larry opened for him. He later played college basketball, used it to break into entertainment, and says time with his idol Allen Iverson showed him how much kids want role models, which pushed him toward speaking and writing.
ᚨTeam Up: how to find your tribe and help someone else
Jesse's program is called Team Up. He says it means finding your community, the people you share a passion with and can connect with in person. It might be a basketball team, an after-school program, a youth group or a community service project. What matters is that it is bigger than you, so you have a sense of belonging.
He says his own tribe was basketball. He also says he saw wealthy friends who had everything yet were unhappy, because success without people to share it with felt empty.
For kids with social anxiety, Jesse says the skills only grow by getting out there, a bit like immersion therapy. He also asks them to move from needing help to helping others. Finding one small thing to do for someone else, he says, makes your own problems feel smaller. People who want that kind of community as an adult can find it in Thriving Spirits, the Mindful Mutiny community, which offers real conversation, live Fireside Chats and a course library.
ᚱTen years to become an overnight success
Jeremy asks about the hardest moments. Jesse says the struggle is moving from one level to the next and being told no again and again. He had the idea to write a book and speak, and he walked into about 40 schools in Alaska without an appointment, carrying a copy of his book. About half the time he got in to see the principal, and the effort led to a tour of around 25 schools that set the foundation for his work today.
He says he learned by trial by fire in front of a thousand kids, and that the early talks were not great. Even then, kids came up afterward to share how much they were struggling, which told him they were onto something.
He also describes a long effort to bring his message to television that has seen many nos. What keeps him going, he says, is a why bigger than himself. He tries to stay true to what works in schools, where unplanned moments with kids matter most, and to be a little better each day.
ᚲHow to find your why, and why helping others is the ultimate hack
Jesse shares a quote he says he may butcher: you are born twice, the moment you are born and the moment you find out why. He says many adults never find their why. When his mother read that chapter of his book, she realized she had never figured out hers.
For teens, he suggests making a list of things they have always wanted to try, going to try them and following through. Then ask why: why is this the tribe you want to be part of? Without a why, he says, you are just going through the motions.
Once you find your thing, Jesse says to share it and extend a hand to others. He calls helping others the ultimate cheat code and no amount of money could replace the feeling of helping a kid. If you are weighing your own why, you can learn more about individual therapy and coaching with Jeremy.
This episode touches on loneliness and mental health in young people. If you or a teen you know is struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional or your local emergency services.
ᚨ Questions people ask
Why is teen loneliness increasing?
Jesse LeBeau says kids feel more disconnected than ever even though they have phones and social media. He believes they compare themselves to unrealistic lives online and mistake scrolling alone for real connection.
How can parents help teens build resilience?
Jesse suggests letting teens experience failure, then asking how it feels and what they will do next. He says protecting kids from every setback, as loving as that is, can end up hurting them more than helping them.
What does failing forward mean?
In this conversation, Jesse describes it as stumbling forward. Each time you fail, he says, you end up a little further ahead than where you started, so failure becomes part of the process.
How can a lonely teen find community?
Jesse recommends finding people to connect with in person around a shared interest, such as a team, an after-school program, a youth group or a service project. He says to try a few things, follow through and ask why you want to be there.