Rebuilding self worth can begin with how you treat your body. That is the story of Linda Steele, a trainer and author who says lifting weights helped her see her life clearly after a childhood spent feeling unseen. In this conversation with Jeremy Van Wert, she explains how she faced childhood hurt, let toxic people go and learned to put herself first.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Linda says fitness gave her the clarity and confidence to make hard decisions about who belonged in her life.
- In her view, you cannot heal childhood trauma until you face it head on, and she did not do that until she wrote her book.
- Linda says removing toxic people gets easier each time, and she notes that the people who second-guess your decisions tend to be the first to go.
- She learned to put herself first by treating herself as a person first, a woman second and a mother third, so she could be a better parent.
- Linda believes a support system of a few trusted people matters most when life falls apart.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠRebuilding self worth through fitness
Linda Steele is a personal trainer, nutrition expert and the author of Nerves of Steel. She says bringing fitness into her life changed it, because she began making clear decisions and building a stronger sense of her own worth. Her view is that the body follows the mind and the mind follows the body.
Linda says many clients arrive unable to look her in the eye. As their diet comes into order and their bodies take shape, she has watched them become different people. Some changed jobs or ended marriages, though she gives no advice on those choices and only tells clients what she did herself.
ᚢHow childhood trauma showed up in her relationships
Linda is careful to say she knows many people had harder childhoods. Her parents divorced when she was young. She says her father treated her like a princess on their weekends together, while the rest of the week she lived with her mother's husband and his children, who she felt did not value women.
Linda says she carried that childhood trauma into relationships with men who did not value her, always reaching for a bar that kept being raised. In her view, you cannot heal from childhood hurt until you take it on head on, and she says she had not done that until she started writing her book. She adds that without someone to walk you through it, healing is trial and error, which is why some people look for individual therapy with Jeremy.
ᚦWhy removing toxic people gets easier each time
Linda realized that over the years she had already been letting go of toxic situations, starting with her first marriage and later a second relationship that was hard to untangle. She says the first person or situation you remove is the hardest, and the next one becomes a little easier. In her words, you almost welcome the next one so you can feel empowered again.
She believes the people who second-guess your decisions are usually the first ones to go. She also says some of them will fight to keep you, and that you have to trust your gut.
Linda says it can cost you friends. Clients who get into shape sometimes lose whole groups who stop inviting them to lunch, weekends or the mom group, because some people are not on board with your progress.
ᚨHow to put yourself first without guilt
When Linda started working out, her daughters were about eight, eight and six. She began paying for a sitter, and says family told her she was selfish and self-centered.
Her answer was a rule she had to learn and believe: she was a person first, a woman second and a mother third. If she did not take care of the person she once was, she says, she would not be a good mother. She compares it to putting on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else.
Linda also talks openly about breast implants, which she had after her divorce when she started losing weight. She says it boosted her confidence and taught her one of her best lessons: you cannot let society make decisions for you. If you please one or two people, she says, you will upset a few more, so you have to do what makes you happy.
ᚱBuilding a brand and the fitness mistakes she sees
Linda started working out around 2003 or 2004 and did not model until about 2015, because she wanted a record of her transformation. She says her brand manager found that a bikini photo got ten times the likes of a carbohydrate article, which is how her following grew. Her accounts have been hacked more than once, so she has started over three times.
She names two mistakes she still sees: too much cardio and undereating. These are her opinions from years of training, not medical fact. She admits she made both early on, and that cherry-picking pieces of different programs did not work either, so she now teaches her own program start to finish.
ᚲBuilding a support system when life falls apart
When her marriage ended, Linda feared losing her house, displacing her children and putting them in daycare while she started a career. She says she picked herself up and looked for the best support system she could find. Many of us, she adds, have too much pride or ego to do that.
Her mother, her late father, a sibling and a few core friends became the people who kept telling her she could do it. She also credits her faith.
That kind of steady encouragement is something people can find in Thriving Spirits, the Mindful Mutiny community, which offers real conversation, live Fireside Chats and a course library.
ᚷA Christmas DNA test and a family discovery
Just when Linda thought she had faced her hardest decisions, a DNA test her daughter gave her for Christmas led her mother to tell her something about her family. She says the man who raised her, and who was the one person who built up her worth, was not her biological father. She has known for about four years and says she is still processing it.
Linda says it answered a lot of questions. She tells the fuller story in the epilogue of her book.
ᚹWhat success really looks like
Linda hopes her daughters take three lessons from her: make your own decisions, follow through on promises and earn your own way. She says all three are financially independent, and that her own financial independence meant she no longer had to overlook bad behavior.
Asked what success looks like, Linda draws a line with dips and sharp turns, and says that if you learn to adapt, you will be okay. Jeremy adds that people who take risks, fail and start again often end up with more to say, and that once you have been through the ups and downs, you stop being afraid of the down.
If this conversation has you wondering what your next step is, Jeremy offers a private 30-minute conversation where you can talk it through.
This is not medical or fitness advice; talk to a qualified professional before changing your exercise or eating. This episode also touches on painful family experiences. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.
ᚨ Questions people ask
How can fitness help with rebuilding self worth?
Linda says that once she brought health and fitness into her life, she made clearer decisions and built a better sense of her worth. She has watched clients grow more confident as their bodies change.
Why does removing toxic people get easier over time?
Linda says the first toxic person or situation you let go of is the hardest. She finds that each one after it takes less effort, and that you feel a load lift every time.
How do you put yourself first without feeling guilty?
Linda reminds herself that she is a person first, a woman second and a mother third. She believes that if you do not take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others, and she compares it to the airplane oxygen mask.
What fitness mistakes does Linda see most?
She names too much cardio and undereating. These are her opinions from training experience, not medical advice, so check with a qualified professional before changing how you exercise or eat.
What does Linda say success looks like?
She describes success as a line with dips and turns instead of a steady climb. Her takeaway is that if you can adapt to life's changes, you will be okay.