Men's mental health often suffers quietly, says men's coach Amrit Singh, because many men learn as boys to shut down their emotions and then struggle to connect with their wives, friends and themselves. In this conversation with Jeremy Van Wert, he describes why men wait too long, what stress does to the body and marriage, and the small daily steps that rebuild connection.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Amrit says the biggest challenge for men is that it takes them years to notice that something is off in a marriage.
- He argues that men who put even a small share of their work focus into their relationships avoid many of these crises.
- Amrit believes reconnecting with yourself comes before reconnecting with your wife, and starts with 10 quiet minutes without a phone.
- He recommends committing to 30 minutes a day on the relationship, starting with the question of why it matters to you.
- Amrit describes fun and play as a real need for adults, not a waste of productive time.
- He urges men to act before a big blowup, because men who start early have a much better chance than those who wait until a spouse has left.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠMen's mental health and why men wait too long to ask for help
Jeremy starts from his own experience. He climbed the corporate ladder to CEO and saw his marriage, friendships and social life deteriorate along the way. He asks Amrit what men are dealing with.
Amrit says the biggest challenge is how long it takes men to realize something is off. Women notice sooner and start talking, he says, while many men tell him the trouble has gone on for five, seven or 10 years. Often it is only when a wife mentions divorce that a man wakes up.
His question to those men is how much time and effort they give each day to the relationship they call the most important thing in their lives. The answer is usually not much.
ᚢWhy men feel lonely and disconnected from other men
Jeremy notes that secular men often lack the camaraderie that church groups or fraternal organizations provide, and that it can take him a year to get two friends together. Amrit agrees that when men do meet, it usually involves alcohol or some other distraction and stays superficial. He says that while it is fun to have a beer with friends, it is not what men need.
Amrit traces the loneliness to childhood. Boys learn to be tough and control their emotions, and they disconnect from part of themselves. That can help a man perform like a robot who never has a bad day, but in his 40s and 50s he looks back on decades of disconnection and does not know how to connect with his wife because he does not know how to connect with himself.
Jeremy says he sees the same disconnection in his clinical and coaching practice. Readers curious about his path from CEO can learn about Jeremy's background.
ᚦStress, health and the cost of staying in work mode
Amrit says men can handle high stress in their 20s and 30s, but by 40 to 60 the body often pays for it. He describes lower energy, weight gain, a lower sex drive and poor sleep, along with comfort food and a habit of coming home to the sofa and not talking. These are his observations as a coach, not medical findings.
In his view the fix sounds simple, with diet and exercise, but it is hard because the lifestyle men build is their way of coping with stress. When men are honest, he says, they admit work is 100 percent of their priority, and exercise and healthy eating never fit.
ᚨSaving a marriage starts with reconnecting with yourself
Amrit says that men who come to him want to save their marriages, and that work quickly turns to the relationship they have with themselves. He compares it to love: you cannot love others until you accept yourself. Had he led with self-transformation, he says, most men would refuse, but they take it on when the marriage is on the line.
He reports that within about six to eight weeks, men often tell him their wives have started to change. Nobody has told her anything, yet she is nicer and more affectionate. In his words, when men change how they show up, the world reflects back differently.
Jeremy mentions that people often wait too long before marriage therapy, when the brokenness is already too strong. If you are weighing whether to start, individual therapy and coaching with Jeremy is one place to begin.
ᚱThe '68 Camaro: small daily steps and the why
Jeremy describes an unrestored 1968 Camaro that sits in a garage for years while life stays stagnant. Amrit uses it as a picture of a marriage: 30 minutes a day on the car would yield a great car in two or three years, and 30 minutes a day with awareness on a wife's needs would, he says, produce a strong marriage in three years.
Before the how, he says, comes the why. Why do you want to invest this time, and is it because you care or because she has just said she wants a divorce? Once the why is clear, he believes, the how can be worked out.
When he asks men to spend 20 to 30 minutes listening to their wives, many realize they do have the time but fear what happens when they go deep, such as showing emotion.
ᚲDaily habits, fun and what success really means
Amrit suggests starting with 10 minutes alone on the porch without a phone, or a walk without a podcast. He does not lead with meditation, he says, because it scares people away. His own routine is to wake at 5 or 5:30, take a cold shower and sit for an hour or more in meditation before the family gets up.
He also argues that adults need fun. If a child grew up without it, he says, everyone would expect harm, yet adults cut fun because it feels unproductive. Success, he adds, is not only money but how well you do in spirituality, family, relationships and health.
If these ideas raise questions about your own path, the Mindful Mutiny community is a place for real conversation with others working on the same things.
ᚷSpirituality, religion and psychedelics
Jeremy says many men avoid spirituality because church felt quiet and boring. Amrit adds that spirituality and religion get lumped together. After about 15 to 20 years of exploring religion, he concluded it was not for him because religions tend to separate people, and he describes spirituality as more like gravity, something we all live with.
Jeremy brings up psychedelic medicine, which he says reset much of his own spiritual path. Amrit offers his view that these substances can give a remembrance of states that meditation can also reach, and he distinguishes a conscious, ritual setting from partying. He is clear that this is a perspective, not advice.
For readers who want to explore that kind of work in a clinical setting, Jeremy's Light in the Mountains retreat is a three-day, small-group psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy retreat in the Sierra Nevada.
This episode touches on men's emotional struggles and, briefly, on crisis. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional or your local emergency services. Psychedelics and plant medicines may be illegal where you live and aren't right for everyone, and nothing here is a recommendation to use any substance or medical advice.
ᚨ Questions people ask
Why do men wait so long to address marriage problems?
Amrit says it takes men a long time to realize something is off, while women notice and start talking sooner. He says many men only wake up when a wife talks about divorce.
Why is vulnerability so hard for men?
Amrit calls it the hardest piece because it undoes 20, 30 or 40 years of conditioning, starting from childhood messages like “be a man.” He says becoming vulnerable is a slow process of lowering protective walls.
Where can a man start reconnecting with himself?
Amrit suggests 10 minutes outside without a phone, or a walk without a podcast, rather than demanding daily meditation at the outset. He says these small steps build the habit of being with yourself.
Is spirituality the same as religion?
Amrit says no. In his view religion is man-made and tends to separate people, while spirituality is something every human lives with, like gravity.
What role does fun play in a healthy life?
Amrit argues that adults need fun just as children do, and that cutting it out as unproductive has costs that simply show up more slowly in adults. He links it to the habit of drinking alcohol just to have fun.