Love bombing signs can look like devotion: intense warmth, special treatment and lavish gestures at the start of a relationship. Natasha June, a podcast producer and host of Trauma Undone, tells Jeremy Van Wert how that warmth slowly turned into put-downs, why she kept making excuses, and how a gaslighting checklist at a domestic violence center changed how she saw her marriage.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Natasha describes love bombing as gushing affection at the start, paired with "exceptionalizing," where you are treated better than other people are.
- She says devaluation arrived so gradually that she doubted herself instead of the relationship.
- Natasha kept making excuses, and describes the abuse as emotional, financial and verbal, never physical.
- A counselor at a domestic violence center had her circle gaslighting examples from the last six months, and she circled about 90 percent of the page.
- Natasha recommends talking to one non-judgmental person, calling a domestic violence hotline and seeing a specialist.
- Jeremy describes self-forgiveness as where healing lives.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠLove bombing signs: what the early warmth looked like
Natasha June moved from South Africa to California and met a successful man. She says he was loving and gushing at the start, and she calls it "absolute love bombing." She believed she had already done her relationship healing, so she did not know what to look for.
Jeremy explains that love bombing is common with narcissists and with controlling groups, where you are made to feel like a million bucks just for who you are. In his view, a person who feels great about themselves is easier to manipulate.
Natasha adds the idea of "exceptionalizing," meaning exceptional treatment that sets you apart from everyone else. In the early years she told herself he spoke to others harshly but would never speak that way to her. Her first birthday in the U.S. brought a surprise note, a dinner overlooking Los Angeles and a full spa day. The next year, just after the wedding, he was away and forgot to wish her happy birthday.
ᚢHow gradual devaluation and gaslighting set in
Soon after Natasha arrived, the warmth began to fade. She describes undermining and put-downs that were so insidious she did not notice them. He played on things she lacked confidence in and things she was proud of, which she says distorted her view of herself.
She describes it as one devaluing event and six positive experiences at first, which slowly becomes constant devaluing with the occasional good moment. A glare across the table was followed by comments that she was dumb. He framed it as help, she says: I'm just trying to make you a better person.
If something here sounds familiar and you want a guide, Jeremy offers individual therapy and coaching.
ᚦWhy smart people make excuses in an abusive marriage
Jeremy asks the question a listener might be asking: what made you dismiss the red flags? Natasha answers that it pulled on her insecurities, so she thought maybe he was right. She also kept making excuses. He works so hard, he's had a stressful day, I could be doing more to calm things down.
She says her time and her opinion were rarely considered, and that she felt a constant comparison in which other people, and he, were better than her. So she kept trying to fix the things she could control. Jeremy says this is part of what makes a relationship with a narcissist so confusing: you decide you simply need to be smarter or better, and that places you lower in status than the other person.
ᚨThe gaslighting checklist that changed how she saw it
Natasha says that when she wanted to leave early in her son's life, her husband told her she would never see him again. She did not know that was untrue, so she waited. Later he told her she had 48 hours to leave. She said she could not manage that, but could leave in 72, because she had arranged a place to stay.
She called a domestic violence center in Los Angeles hoping for help with practical matters. At the appointment she told the counselor she was not a victim of domestic violence. The counselor said she believed she was, and asked to do some education.
She handed Natasha a sheet titled the 11 signs of gaslighting, read it out loud with her, and asked her to circle only what had happened in the last six months. Natasha circled about 90 percent of the page. She calls that the start of going deep into herself, and she was willing to try anything to escape what was in her head.
ᚱWhere to look for support and how to leave safely
If you wonder whether you are in a narcissistic relationship, Natasha says the best move is to seek help in some way. She felt shame and secrecy and told no one at first. When she did start talking, people confirmed that she was not the crazy one.
Her advice is to find one person without judgment and to call the domestic violence hotline with questions. A friend is fine, she says, but a specialist is better, because others sometimes do not know what they are looking at.
She has seen friends seek help while still married and says their exit was safer, with a safety plan, support and sometimes savings in place. Natasha respects people who stay for their children. For her, leaving let her model something better for her son.
ᚲSelf-forgiveness, gratitude and healing
Natasha says she has found blessings in what happened. She started by journaling, then spent months listing what she could be grateful for.
Jeremy distinguishes two kinds of forgiveness. In his view, forgiving others can be ego-based, while the kind that heals is forgiving yourself for falling short of who you wanted to be. He points out that some of what Natasha says about herself, such as not seeing the red flags, sounds self-judging, and that more self-love may be worth exploring.
People who want to talk through experiences like these with others can find real conversation, live Fireside Chats and a course library in Thriving Spirits, the Mindful Mutiny community.
ᚷFrom event producer to podcast producer, and Trauma Undone
In the second half, Jeremy asks about Natasha's work. She produced large-scale marketing events in South Africa, later hosted a real estate lifestyle show, and now helps clients with podcast strategy. She says people podcast for one of four reasons: to build relationships, become thought leaders, make money, or give back.
For Mindful Mutiny, she says the thumbnails look polished and consistent, but a catchy title would tell viewers why to click, like signage on a door. Her own show, Trauma Undone, features experts and survivors, and Jeremy calls the many helpers who have lived through trauma the wounded healer.
ᚹTurning a story into a mission
Natasha says she loves giving people the chance to tell their story and wants to leave the world better than she found it.
If this conversation raised questions about your own relationships or healing, you can get a straight read on whether therapy and retreat work suits you.
This episode discusses an abusive marriage and is one person's experience, not professional advice. If you are in an abusive relationship, contact a domestic violence hotline or a qualified professional in your area.
ᚨ Questions people ask
What are the signs of love bombing?
Natasha describes gushing affection and exceptional treatment at the start, such as surprise gestures and being treated better than other people. She says it began to fade soon after she arrived in the U.S.
Is love bombing abuse?
In Natasha's account, love bombing came before gradual devaluation, put-downs and gaslighting. Jeremy describes it as a way to manipulate someone by making them feel great about themselves. The episode does not offer a clinical definition.
Why do people stay with a narcissist?
Natasha says she made excuses, doubted herself and kept trying to fix what she could control. Jeremy adds that children, money and moments of the person's best self make it confusing.
Where can you get help?
Natasha suggests talking to one non-judgmental person, calling a domestic violence hotline and seeing someone who specializes in this. She says a safety plan and support made leaving safer for friends of hers.