Domestic violence red flags can be hard to see at first. Survivor and advocate Agape Garcia tells Jeremy Van Wert that isolation from friends and family, subtle possessiveness and a partner who waits for you to become dependent were what she missed. She also explains why leaving is so hard and what California's SB 553 asks of employers.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Agape Garcia says controlling behavior can be quiet and slow, and in her own story there were no obvious red flags in the beginning.
- She asks people to notice whether friends say they see them less, or whether they have stopped doing things they love because a partner feels insecure.
- Agape says shame and embarrassment keep many people silent, and that domestic violence reaches every class and background.
- In her experience, the moment an abuser senses a partner is preparing to leave can be especially dangerous, so she urges careful planning.
- Her nonprofit helps families with children relocate once they have a safe place to go but not the means to get there.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠEarly domestic violence red flags Agape Garcia teaches
Agape Garcia is a domestic violence survivor and the founder of a nonprofit called Confronting Domestic Violence. She tells Jeremy that when she looks back, she still asks what the red flags were, because in the first two years there was nothing that felt possessive or controlling.
She says her former partner was patient. In her telling, he waited until she had left her job and her home community, so she was financially and socially dependent on him. She says she has since learned to recognize narcissistic behavior, and she describes it as silent.
Today she coaches people by asking questions. Are your friends saying they see you less often? Is your family upset that you come around less? Have you stopped doing things you love, such as volunteering, because a partner feels insecure about where you spend your time? Agape says to look for these small, subtle signs of possessiveness.
ᚢHow to learn who a partner really is
Jeremy suggests watching how someone handles anger. What do they do when they are mad? Do they communicate, withdraw or punch a wall? He calls that last one a serious red flag, and says the same questions apply when the partner is a woman.
Agape adds a few more. She suggests watching how someone treats their mother and getting to know their friends and co-workers. Her view is that people who have known them for a long time will tell you more than the person will, and more than their online image.
If something here sounds familiar and you want to talk it through, you can book a private consultation with Jeremy. A domestic violence advocate is the right contact for immediate safety concerns.
ᚦWhy leaving an abusive relationship is so hard
Agape says the first thing standing in the way is often shame. She remembers asking herself how she could have been so stupid, and says narcissistic partners make a person think they are the one who did something wrong. Jeremy points out that shame and embarrassment often hold people back from what they know they need to do.
Practical barriers matter too. Jeremy notes that on the other side of leaving are long lines, bureaucrats and a lower standard of living, and Agape says real-time resources are few and far between. She also says that many mothers leave with only what they can carry, and that this is traumatic for children.
Agape says the time when an abuser senses a partner is getting ready to leave can be the most dangerous, and she advises leaving quietly. This is her view from her own experience and advocacy work. A trained domestic violence advocate can help anyone create a safety plan, and Jeremy offers individual therapy and coaching for people who want a licensed professional on their side.
ᚨDomestic violence does not discriminate
Jeremy says women he has worked with, including doctors, lawyers and teachers, often tell him they never thought it would happen to them. Agape agrees that domestic violence crosses class lines. She says a victim can be a billionaire or live in poverty, and that the question is where the shame lies.
She also speaks about men. Agape says the men she has met who deal with domestic violence usually describe verbal, financial and sexual manipulation that builds slowly, so they may not realize it until years later. She says none of the men she approached wanted to be interviewed publicly.
ᚱHow her nonprofit helps families relocate
Confronting Domestic Violence focuses on one thing: getting families with children to safety once they have somewhere to go but not the money to get there. Agape says the organization is not a counseling service and does not try to convince anyone what to do. When someone is ready, it steps in.
She describes coordinating with local law enforcement to be present while movers are on site, and helping a family move into up to a two-bedroom apartment or home. After the move, she offers coaching through her Be Your Incredible Self brand, and the organization has worked with hypnotherapists for children whose parents are open to it.
Agape has also volunteered with California legislation for years. She describes spotting gaps, such as a protected address that a courthouse could still make public, and passing them to a legislator. According to her, a later bill closed that gap.
ᚲWhat California's SB 553 asks of employers
Agape describes SB 553 as a California law requiring most employers to have a workplace violence prevention plan. At the time of the recording she said Cal OSHA would enforce it, that health care and law enforcement were exempt because they have their own policies, and that remote-only workplaces with no public access were also exempt.
In her view, the law matters because it asks for prevention, not just a policy. She says it involves several departments and training, not one person reading a document once a year. She hopes employee assistance programs will one day offer support for people living in unsafe homes, the way they do for other struggles. Requirements change, so employers should confirm current rules, and nothing here is legal advice.
ᚷPost-traumatic growth and treating yourself like your own child
Agape says she learned about post-traumatic growth a few years before the interview, when someone told her she was the definition of it. She sees it as the resilience people have: we can choose whether to be bitter or better. A near-fatal car accident, she says, gave her a new sense of purpose and she felt called to help others.
She also uses emotional intelligence, which she describes as knowing where emotions live in your body so you can respond instead of react. Her closing message to anyone who feels stuck is to imagine you are speaking to your own child. The same love and support you would offer them, she says, is what you deserve for yourself.
If this conversation raised questions for you, you can talk with other people who care about growth in Thriving Spirits, the Mindful Mutiny community, which offers real conversation, live Fireside Chats and a course library.
This episode discusses domestic violence. If you or someone you know is in danger, contact your local emergency number (in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233). Nothing here is legal advice.
ᚨ Questions people ask
What are early domestic violence red flags?
Agape Garcia points to isolation from friends and family, a partner who feels insecure about time you spend elsewhere and small signs of possessiveness. She also says abuse can look like no red flags at first, so she encourages people to listen when loved ones notice changes.
Why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship?
In this episode, Agape names shame and embarrassment, financial dependence and limited resources such as shelter space. Jeremy adds that the other side of leaving can mean long lines and a lower standard of living.
Does domestic violence only happen to certain people?
No. Agape says it does not discriminate by class, wealth or neighborhood, and that men can experience it as well. She says many men describe slow verbal, financial and sexual manipulation.
What is California's SB 553?
As Agape describes it, SB 553 is a workplace violence prevention law that asks most California employers to have a plan and train employees. She says health care and law enforcement are exempt. This is her summary and not legal advice.
What is post-traumatic growth?
Agape describes it as the resilience people can show after trauma, including the choice to learn and grow instead of staying bitter. She says she learned the term only a few years before the interview.