Trauma bonds in relationships can grow out of childhood neglect, people pleasing and a need to rescue others. That is what Serena Garcia describes in this conversation with Jeremy Van Wert, as she tells how foster care, group homes and a hard relationship shaped her, and why leaving was only the start of rebuilding who she is.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Jeremy explains people pleasing as a childhood survival skill: a young person learns to read the room and bend their nervous system around a dangerous environment.
- Serena names a trauma bond and a wish to rescue others as what drew her to partners who were struggling themselves.
- Jeremy points out that children in the system often must perform to earn attention, a pattern that can carry into adult relationships.
- Serena says the hardest part of leaving was realizing that no one was going to save her.
- She says leaving is not the end: rebuilding identity takes therapy, support groups and body-based work.
- Serena's hard-won rule is that not every emotion needs an immediate response.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠTrauma Bonds in Relationships: What Serena Describes
Trauma bonds in relationships are hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived one, and Serena Garcia doesn't pretend they are simple. She is a 35-year-old single mom of three who shares her story online, and she tells Jeremy Van Wert that she grew up with neglect, abuse and abandonment.
When Jeremy asks what drew her to partners who were struggling, she answers plainly: a trauma bond. She also says she is very empathic. She could see people going through something and wanted to be the one who believed in them.
Jeremy names it a savior complex, the wish to rescue the world from the hurt you survived. Serena agrees, adding that it started with her father, whom she always thought she could rescue. Looking back, she says, the care was all one-sided. For more on Jeremy's background as a therapist, you can read about his work and training.
ᚢChildhood Trauma and People Pleasing Behavior
Serena says she has been a people pleaser her whole life and calls her content a way to help others get out of survival mode. Jeremy adds context. People pleasing, he says, gets a bad reputation as fake, but when it comes from early trauma it is a young person's way of navigating their environment without getting hurt.
In his view, a child bends their nervous system around what is going on and keeps calculating what will keep them out of the trauma space. It becomes a perpetual form of masking. Later people judge themselves for it, when it was what kept them safe as a child.
Serena says this fits her. She learned to read the room and check her parents' emotions, then developed abandonment issues and tried harder to please people so they wouldn't leave. It came back to her ten times harder, she says, because people took advantage of her and left anyway.
ᚦFoster Care, Group Homes and the Label of “Delinquent”
Serena describes spending time in foster care and group homes after her father left her in another state, and being labeled a delinquent child. She says the label stuck because everyone kept telling her she was trouble.
Jeremy says no child in the system is truly safe, and staff are always in transit, so relationships are short. He notes that a young person has to learn to get attention, sometimes in negative ways, and has to work and perform for it. Then they carry that into adult relationships, earning love and absorbing the bad times as if they deserve them.
Years later, Serena worked at a group home herself. She says little had changed, and that she told the teenagers to focus on mind, body and soul during the months they would be there.
ᚨWhy Leaving Is Only the Beginning
After about seven years in a relationship she describes as toxic and abusive, Serena says a hospital visit changed things. She says child services told her she could go home with him and risk losing her kids, or go to an emergency domestic violence shelter. She chose the shelter, and stayed a year.
There she started going to groups and therapy and trying yoga and meditation. She says she had lost herself so long ago that she didn't know who she was without that person. The hardest part, she says, was realizing that no one was going to save her.
In support groups, she heard other women's stories and thought it wasn't their fault, then recognized her own story in theirs. As for the question “why didn't you just leave?”, she says it goes back to how she was programmed in childhood. If something in her story sounds familiar and you want support, Thriving Spirits, the Mindful Mutiny community, offers real conversation and a course library.
ᚱRebuilding Identity: Solitude, Somatic Work and Dating Differently
After the shelter, Serena dove into self-development, with podcasts, books and therapy. She says she dated with a lot of trial and error and learned to say what she would no longer accept. She calls herself picky now and okay with solitude, and says she doesn't put herself in situations that disrupt her nervous system.
She describes the lonely work of rebuilding yourself over and over, and asking who you are without the people you lived around. She says there was a time she didn't leave her house, and that after leaving, the mind goes back a thousand times to whether it would be easier to return to what you know.
Serena works with a therapist who does somatic work. She says she understands her patterns but still struggles with how to stop coping the old ways, such as stress eating, which she is learning. If you want individual support rather than a podcast, Jeremy offers individual therapy and coaching.
ᚲLessons for Her Kids and a Viral Video
Asked for the top life lessons she wants her children to know, Serena says the first is that no one's going to save you. She tells them to be humble, honest and kind without being a pushover, to protect their hearts, and to remember you become the people you spend time with. She says she will never abandon them.
Her own platform began when she posted about her nervous system. After years with around 800 followers, she says she woke up with about 20,000. She tries to help people see their patterns and then do something, avoiding victim mode while acknowledging how people feel.
She sometimes has imposter syndrome, and says men reach out as well as women. She ends on a belief: life no longer happens to her but for her, and not every emotion needs an immediate response.
ᚷIs This Your Story? A Gentle Next Step
Jeremy tells Serena that her emotional intelligence is having a healing effect on others and that she is further along than she gives herself credit for. If you recognize parts of your own pattern in her story, a quick read on whether Jeremy's therapy and retreat work suits you is a low-pressure place to start.
This post discusses childhood neglect, foster care and domestic violence in general terms. If you are in an unsafe situation or need support, please contact your local emergency services or a domestic violence hotline in your area. This post is for education and is not medical advice.
ᚨ Questions people ask
What are trauma bonds in relationships?
Serena Garcia describes a trauma bond as what drew her to partners who had their own struggles, mixed with her empathy and a wish to help. Jeremy Van Wert adds that this can be a savior complex.
How does childhood trauma lead to people pleasing?
Jeremy explains that a child may bend their nervous system around a dangerous environment and calculate how to keep everyone happy. He describes this as a form of masking that kept them safe.
Why is leaving a relationship only the start of healing?
Serena says rebuilding means learning who you are without the other person. She describes therapy, support groups, solitude and the urge to go back as part of the work.
What does Serena mean by “not every emotion needs an immediate response”?
She says she learned to sit and reflect before responding, rather than reacting. She presents it as one of the biggest things she has learned.
How does foster care affect adult relationships?
Jeremy says children in the system often have to perform to earn attention, and staff turnover keeps bonds short. He says that pattern can carry into adulthood.