Low self esteem that starts with childhood bullying can follow a person for years, says comedian Shameless Elle. She tells Jeremy Van Wert how being picked last shaped the way she looked for love, how she began making videos in 2020, and why she says being herself is something she practices every day.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Elle says she was bullied and always picked last as a child, and that her self-esteem never fully recovered.
- She says low self-worth sent her looking for love in the wrong places, and that she tried to become whoever others wanted.
- Jeremy says being singled out as a child can have lifelong consequences for self-esteem, self-concept and self-talk.
- Elle found her style by dropping lip-syncing and telling her own stories, and says people responded to the honest, silly side she used to hide.
- She describes authenticity as daily work, not a switch she flipped once.
- Her advice to young people is to figure out who you are before you fight for everyone else, and to give people room to make mistakes.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠLow self esteem after childhood bullying: how it began
Shameless Elle describes herself as a shy child. Her parents divorced when she was about five, and her father worked in the oil field and was often gone for months. She says an embarrassing moment in front of her first-grade class changed everything, and that classmates began to target her.
She remembers having gum put in her hair, her hair cut off and rocks thrown at her. She was always the last picked for teams, and the team that did not get her would mock the team that did. When her mother moved her to a new school, a child from her old school told everyone who she was within about two weeks.
In grade eight she moved in with her father so she could be someone else. He worked away, so she was alone a lot and ran the house. "My self-esteem I don't think ever really recovered," she says, and she kept searching for people to love or like her. She says she wanted to be loved and tried to be whatever others wanted, and tried to fit in through drinking and drugs.
Jeremy shares that he was bullied in grammar school too, and that in high school he played a "wild and crazy guy" to keep bullies away. He says being singled out as a child can have lifelong consequences for self-esteem, self-concept and self-talk.
ᚢFrom low self worth to a single mom who built her own businesses
Elle trained as a hair stylist and was with her husband for 14 years. They have two sons. The marriage ended in a way she keeps private, out of respect for him and for her boys.
A few years after the separation she had full-time care of the boys. She says she was so angry about her ex's effect on her life that she decided he would not decide who she became. She did not want to be described as the sad single mom, so she started an event company, raised $50,000 for brain cancer and was named one of her community's top 20 under 40.
She also says 2016 was the hardest year of her life. Her salon fell apart and her best friend died. Her answer, she says, was to put one foot in front of the other, because with two little boys the choice was to crumble in front of them or keep going.
ᚦHealing in private: counseling, writing and rebuilding
Elle later spent four years in a relationship in which, she says, she always needed to be better: lighter, cleaner, better dressed. It ended violently, and she kept quiet about it, telling her mother after a year and her father after two. She says she learned why so many people stay silent.
Afterward she says she lived with anxiety and needed a lot of therapy. She wrote poetry to get things out without telling anyone, did some counseling and spent about a year on her own, reading books on becoming a stronger person. Jeremy noted that shame, embarrassment and mixed feelings are part of this kind of recovery.
She came to see that she had been dating people who never loved her wholeheartedly, and that this had felt normal. If you recognize a similar pattern in your own relationships, individual therapy with Jeremy is one way to work on it.
ᚨHow Shameless Elle found her voice on TikTok
Elle joined TikTok during the 2020 lockdown. She tried lip-syncing first, recorded three videos about 30 times each and quit, calling herself lazy. Telling her own stories worked better, and the weirder and sillier she got, the more people loved it. Many of her videos are reactions or rants about everyday life.
She edits everything herself, and says that in the beginning she would make 40 attempts at one video because she was so hard on herself. Seeing other creators who were happily themselves taught her that people like weird, relatable and honest. She kept her videos secret from most people for a long time.
She runs a salon and spa and an event production company, and says she only started getting paid for her videos in 2024, after four years. She says she took a break for several months, and when she returned her boyfriend told her she was glowing again. She credits the online community, where people love the things she spent her life hiding.
ᚱAuthenticity is a daily practice, not a switch
Jeremy says Elle's humor works because she names things we all do and never say out loud. Elle adds that people assume you let go once and are yourself from then on. She says she is working on being herself every single day, and has to remind herself to pull down the veil.
She also says part of her still feels silenced. She has written books about her life but cannot tell the whole story without exposing other people's secrets, so she may tell it when she is 80.
Fans send her messages that she calls lovely, including from people who say her videos bring a smile during hard weeks. She keeps boundaries: her email is for business, she does not answer DMs and she deletes and blocks inappropriate ones. For readers who want a place to talk with others who are working on being themselves, the Mindful Mutiny community offers live Fireside Chats and a course library.
ᚲAdvice for young people, and what Elle wants next
Elle wants to relate to women, because she says she missed out on friendships while being bullied and later while living at a partner's beck and call. She would like to write, perhaps speak, and be like her grandfather, a small-town firefighter whose funeral drew so many people that stores closed.
For Gen Z and Gen Alpha, she praises their willingness to speak up but says they need more time to sit with things, more empathy and more forgiveness. She says it is fine to try things without deciding who you are at 14, and that you should figure out who you are before you fight for everyone else.
If her story brings up your own, Jeremy offers a private 30-minute conversation about what support might help.
This episode includes a personal account of bullying and domestic violence. If you are in danger or need support, please contact local emergency services or a trusted support line in your area.
ᚨ Questions people ask
How does childhood bullying affect self-esteem?
Jeremy says being singled out as a child can have lifelong consequences for self-esteem, self-concept and self-talk. Elle says her own self-esteem never fully recovered and that she spent years looking for people to love her.
How did Shameless Elle start making videos?
She joined TikTok during the 2020 lockdown and first tried lip-syncing, which she found too hard. She switched to telling her own stories, reactions and rants, and says her silliest, most honest videos did best.
What helped Elle rebuild her confidence?
She describes about a year of counseling, writing, reading and time alone after a painful relationship. She also credits her online community, which she says loves the things she spent her life hiding.
Is authenticity something you find once?
Elle says no. She says she actively works on being herself every day and reminds herself that she is enough.
What advice does Elle give young people?
She encourages young people to take time to figure out who they are before fighting for everyone else. She also asks for more empathy and forgiveness, and room for people to make mistakes.