Firefighter PTSD often builds slowly, through years of small and repeated exposures, rather than from one dramatic event. That is the experience of firefighter Michael Bochey, who spent 15 years on the job before he saw how the calls had changed his view of the world. He tells Jeremy Van Wert how it showed up, why talk therapy alone fell short for him, and what helped.
ᛉKey takeaways
- Michael describes first responder trauma as a slow build of daily "micro traumas," not only the large, memorable calls.
- He separates perceptual trauma, which comes from witnessing events and changes your view of the world, from egoic trauma, which happens to you and changes your view of yourself.
- In Michael's experience, stored stress often shows up as changed behavior at home, such as an outsized reaction to a small task, not as flashbacks.
- He says talk therapy did not reach the root for him, while EMDR helped him find the beliefs underneath his feelings.
- Michael believes that holding on to how things "should" be creates suffering, and that letting go brought him freedom.
- He argues that first responders who share their stories make it easier for others to speak up.
ᛃ Moments in this one
ᚠFirefighter PTSD: how first responder trauma builds slowly
Michael Bochey began volunteering as a firefighter at 16 and later decided to do the work for a living. He spent five years in Maryland, then moved to the West Coast, and was a firefighter for 15 years before moving into administration.
Michael says first responder trauma is different from the version Hollywood depicts. A career can last 30 years, and the job is where responders live and work. He describes a slow progression made not only of the big calls but of "micro traumas" every day, such as walking into homes marked by extreme poverty and broken families.
Over many years, he says, that builds up and changes how you see the world.
ᚢPerceptual trauma vs. egoic trauma
Michael breaks trauma into two kinds. Egoic trauma happens to you and changes your view of yourself. Perceptual trauma comes mainly from witnessing events and changes your view of the world.
He says the second kind rarely looks like a movie flashback. In his case it was subtle: over the years he grew less happy without knowing why, and his relationships began to suffer.
ᚦSigns of firefighter PTSD that did not look like the movies
Michael remembers the day he knew something was wrong. He had just bought a house ten minutes from the ocean and was driving down Pacific Coast Highway at sunset with good music on. He had a nice home and a marriage that was going okay, and he felt terrible without knowing why.
He also describes dark thoughts that had become frequent and that he assumed everyone had. He says it was that drive that showed him he was no longer feeling the emotions he used to feel.
Michael gives an example of how stored stress can come out sideways. After an overdose call, a small equipment mistake left him feeling he could have done better, even though he knows it was not his fault. Later, in a psilocybin journey, he connected that call to a day he lost his temper over a torn screen door. He cites the idea that the body keeps the score.
ᚨFirefighter PTSD treatment: why EMDR reached what talk therapy did not
Michael had been in therapy for a while, and in his words it was not getting to the root of anything. It felt to him like the same conversations he would have with his mom, with some relief when he left the office. EMDR therapy helped him far more, he says, because it is a way to get into the subconscious and find the memories beneath your beliefs about yourself.
He describes a sequence from a book called Awareness: recognize a negative feeling, since many people do not know they are unhappy; dig for the memory and belief underneath it; then realize the feeling is within you rather than handed to you by the world.
These are one person's views, not advice. Readers who want support from a licensed professional can learn about individual therapy with Jeremy.
ᚱPlant medicine retreats, rituals and integration
Michael booked a retreat after seeing an Instagram ad, and it landed as he was going through a divorce. He had followed psychedelic research for years as an academic observer, and calls the retreat the start of a four-month process of figuring himself out.
He says memories from hundreds of calls came up at once, with anxiety and discomfort in his body, and that the facilitator encouraged him to go deeper. Later he describes an ego death, a loss of the sense of who he was. In his view, ego means the whole of a person's identity, including good ones like "the firefighter," and seeing that these are stories made him less reactive when someone challenged him.
After the retreats, he used a ritual with a padlock for 11 to 15 days. He named the weight he carried, unlocked the lock to symbolize releasing it, then locked in gratitude. He says this made intangible feelings concrete.
Michael believes plant medicine increases neuroplasticity, and he compares it to a fresh coat of snow over a well-worn path. These are his views and his experience. Jeremy offers a legal, clinical option for deeper work through a three-day small-group psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy retreat in the Sierra Nevada.
ᚲLetting go of how things should be
The biggest change for Michael has been loosening his attachment to the way things should be. He believes attachment creates most suffering and letting go creates freedom. He gives an example: he wanted to become a canine handler and trained his own search dog, but pandemic closures, changed rules and then a program that did not work out ended the plan three times.
He says he was so attached to that outcome that he could not be happy without it. Now he sees life as a ship you can steer but not turn on a dime, and he takes the opportunities that come. Jeremy calls this holding things lightly.
If you recognize the feeling of having everything and still feeling wrong, a good first step is a straight conversation. Jeremy offers a straight read on whether therapy and retreat work suits you.
ᚷAdvice for first responders and why talking matters
Jeremy points out that first responder culture often leans on dark humor and "man up" attitudes, which can leave struggling people feeling alienated.
Michael's advice is to not be afraid to go within, because healing is uncomfortable. He says it left him with more compassion and less compassion fatigue, and he now sees emotions as teachers. If plant medicine is not your path, he says, that is fine, but it is worth asking whether it is not your calling or your ego protecting itself.
Michael says he first resisted doing this episode, then decided that if he is urging others to talk, he has to be willing to. He notes that suicide is too common among service members and firefighters, and that sharing stories helps others feel comfortable sharing theirs. Thriving Spirits, the Mindful Mutiny community, is one place for real conversation, live Fireside Chats and a course library.
Psychedelics and plant medicines may be illegal where you live and aren't right for everyone. Nothing here is a recommendation to use any substance. This episode discusses thoughts of suicide. If you are having thoughts of suicide, please contact a crisis line or emergency services in your area; in the US you can call or text 988.
ᚨ Questions people ask
What is perceptual trauma?
Michael describes perceptual trauma as trauma that comes mainly from witnessing events, and says it changes your view of the world. He contrasts it with egoic trauma, which is what happens to you and changes how you see yourself.
Why doesn't firefighter PTSD always look like the movies?
Michael says it builds over a long career of daily exposures, so it is often subtle. In his case it looked like becoming less happy, strained relationships and outsized reactions at home.
Is talk therapy enough for first responder trauma?
For Michael, it was not. He says it felt like venting and did not dig into the root, while EMDR helped him identify the beliefs beneath his feelings. Others may have different experiences.
What is EMDR, according to Michael?
Michael describes EMDR as a way to get into the subconscious and find which memories lie beneath your beliefs about yourself. He says it helped him far more than conversation alone.
Why does Michael say first responders should talk about trauma?
He believes that sharing your own story makes others comfortable sharing theirs, and that this is how the culture can change. He says he hesitated to speak publicly but felt he could not urge others to talk if he would not.